To Love Unconditionally

This subject matter has been floating around in my head for a little while now…a recent conversation I had on some social networking sites and some co-worker(s) at my day job has urged me to talk about it.

Loving unconditionally, in terms of sexuality is, well it can get confusing because culture, sub-culture, biology, and society can color it like a prism. In LGBTQ (+ more)- sexual orientation was essentially examined by the APA and have done some recent research on the longitudinal stability of sexual orientation over the adult life span and turned up interesting plausability. This doesn’t mean that sexuality is driven by choice because its more complicated than that because that involves biology, genetic factors, hormones, auditory system (root cues), birth order, and environment. Although I think there needs to be more research on the latter two factors to really say it has a marginal effect. What I am trying to say that sexuality is fluid and as humans, the ability to love unconditionally is innate.

In the conversations I have had with individuals on social networking sites or in my personal life, my sexual preference is asked many times over and while I identify myself as a bisexual, I think love is wonderful no matter where you find it. One could argue that I may even be pansexual (a term coined where an individual finds attraction to all gender identities and biological sexes). Maybe that is so… (hell, there’s even a running joke of me dating an extraterrestrial haha [long story]). I find my sexuality to be very fluid and while I do gay porn, I am open to shoot opportunities that may help expand this part of myself (ex: shoots with transgendered individuals, women, both men and women, etc). The point I am boiling down to is just I never knew that so many people in the adult industry would have a such knee jerk reaction to this; I get flooded with so much attitude from the straight community and the gay community that I feel like i am in the inquisition! (i.e. You have to like one gender more than the other? why not do straight porn? how do you feel about transgendered? You’re really Gay4pay aren’t you?, etc.) Its ridiculous…and some (not all) are just perpetuating more discrimination in an age where we know discrimination serves NO purpose…never will.

To love unconditionally means so much to me. Love, is greatest power the world has ever known! So, no matter what walk of life one comes from, what gender identity or biological sex they are, I love the heart of any sentient being; their soul. (Perhaps, the adult entertainment industry can expand on the idea of love and sexuality together and help transform it into something?)

This…brings me to what I wanted share with you all, an exercise if you will; an exercise to observe and notice compassion and unconditional love in action:

Before we start, have any of you ever heard of Guanyin? The Bodhisattva associated with compassion? From what I remember in my anthropology classes, She (originally depicted as male) was being transformed into the Thousand Armed Guanyin, and as she began her journey to heaven and was about to cross over into heaven she heard a cry of suffering from the world below. She turned around and saw the massive suffering endured by the people of the world. Filled with compassion, she returned to Earth, vowing never to leave till such time as all suffering has ended.

Keeping that story in mind, My exercise to you is to stop for 5 minutes in your day and observe others. Try to see yourself in the eyes of someone else that you become. Listen on in others conversations (respectfully), watch how others walk, what there face looks like, what they’re doing too. Now I want to imagine the emotional palette that flows through them and wonder it might feel like to be them. (Getting a headache yet? 🙂 ) Now, comes the hard part….engage those people. Smile, say hello, buy them a coffee, hell even hug them. Express love in such a way a human can only do unconditionally. What better way than to commit such action toward a stranger? After your encounter, record your results in thought or on paper and repeat several more times. You’ll find out something about others and something about yourself you never knew. 🙂

And that is why I love unconditionally.

Romance, Sexuality, and Depression – Your Sex Questions Answered!

It has been over a month since I have posted something BUT I have done so for good reason!  I have been collecting emails, texts, etc. concerning sex and related topics. I have gathered a large enough pool of questions that enabled me to pick several that I thought would be a good enough to  give some insight into things individuals and couples deal with on a daily basis in their sexual relationships and exploration. When addressing these questions, I will keep names private but to give perspective and/or reference, I will refer to location, age, and male/female where possible. NOTE: The answers below are purely for education and speculation on my part. Please go see your health care provider or therapist to receive proper diagnosis and/or treatment if applicable.

Wolfie,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years now. About 2 years into the relationship, When it comes to sex, he never wants it. He always tells me that he is too tired or not in the mood. We spend less and less time with each other and I have also noticed he sleeps a lot and lost interest in the things he likes to do. When I talk to him about my concerns, such as our relationship, he either ignores me or tries to reassure me that he will try to do  better but I have not seen any improvement. Is there something I am doing wrong? What can I do? I’m all over the place…any light that you could shed on this situation would be most helpful!

Female 24, Roseville, CA.

A very good question there. Actually I have received similar questions like yours and I want to let you know that it most likely has nothing to do with you. You boyfriend may simply be suffering from depression. More specifically,  Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is characterized by low-mood and accompanied by low self-esteem and loss or interest in normally enjoyable activities. It can adversely affect family, work, school and general health. This includes sexual dysfunction. Practicing mindfulness or picking up healthy eating and exercising habits may alleviate the symptoms. Doctors will often prescribe an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) which affect serotonin levels in your brain. They may also prescribe an SNRI (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake inhibitor) which affect serotonin and norepinephrine levels in your brain and some evidence suggest it may help cope with sexual disinterest or dysfunction. In addition to prescription, your boyfriend would have a recommendation to see a therapist because the highest success rate of remission is the combination of both medication and therapy. The medication is pretty cheap around ($50 dollars+/-) and natural SSRI’s like St. John’s Wart may also be prescribed however, herbal additions such as this is more common in Europe. Once your boyfriend seeks help from their physician(s),  you may want to try reigniting the bond between you two; like engaging in activities you two used to do in the beginning of your relationship. As for the bedroom, something sensual like Henna or body paint and massage may bring the needed attention to both of you 🙂

Hey There,

Do to daily stresses, I have been so exhausted lately. As a result, me and my boyfriend’s sexual activity has decreased. I have noticed that my boyfriend masturbates without me quite often and I wonder if he seems more interested in his solo activity than with me?

Male, 27

Masturbation is healthy, period. I think it allows us to stay in touch with our bodies and explore our sexuality.  However, it should never replace your sexual connection between you and your partner. Communicate with your boyfriend and be honest. Mention to him that you notice that he is masturbating a lot more lately and that you wonder if there is something you are not satisfying? Continue the conversation with something like: “What would you like to change or focus on in our sexual relationship.” Listen to what he has to say and don’t be afraid to share some of your own details too!

Hey Wolfie,

I have dated a few woman but I have to admit I have never had sex with any of them. I just find these urges or attractions to the same sex. I mean I don’t think I am gay. I don’t like shoes or theater stuff. I live a conservative town that frowns on homosexuality. Is this a phase or something? How can I stop it?

Male, Midwest

Well, I am unsure of your age here but I am going to take a guess you may be from a younger crowd? I think many can relate to your question here. I would like to point out something here first. Not all gay men love shoes or Broadway. There are plenty of gay men out there who like a variety of different things just like straight men do. These are just stereotypes born out of nonsense. I am sorry that you lack support where you live.  What it boils down to is that you really need to have an honest discussion with yourself and then perhaps your parents and/or trusted friends. There is nothing with being gay! You mentioned that you lived in the Midwest somewhere? I would like to share with you some LGBT resource(s) that may help you in your search for answers. It’s called Pfund Foundation which helps with LGBT communities in the upper Midwest: http://www.pfundonline.org/resources.html

Hi!

I wanted to write to you because I have been dating this wonderful guy! However, when I have sex with him, I cannot reach orgasm. He is great in bed I am just lost as to why it is so hard for me to orgasm?

Female 34, FL

Did you know only 1/3 of women reach orgasm by penetration alone? The rest need oral or other physical clitoral stimulation. However,  there are techniques for penetration that allow some clitoral stimulation. You just have to do some research. Give yourself time with your partner too. In early relationships, you are still figuring out what your turn ons are with each other.  They are also more likely to happen when you relax; so perhaps a soothing bath or some incense and candles to strike some relaxation. Even eating a small piece of very, very dark chocolate can help you relax too.

Well, that wraps things up! I hope insight was provided. I really enjoyed the process of answering these. If anyone would like to ask a question, by all means ask me and I’ll post them here with an answer, anonymously of course!

Good Journey!